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Steelheading for Dummies

Brad Miller
How To Use This Primer:
The information presented is intended to simplify this all too mystifying sport. Indeed, the very word “steelhead” conjures images of spectacular leaps, screaming reels, and torqued flyrods. The basic premise is this: If you are actually interested in beginning or continuing in a sport where the potential for success is nil, you at least deserve to know something about the fish, equipment, and destinations.
In this way you can at least talk a good game, since talking is all most people do anymore about steelhead. Armed with the information below, you can boldly complain with even the most seasoned critics. Yes, you can lambaste the sorry state of affairs and point fingers hither and yon. And you can confidently join the ranks of the disgruntled now plying empty waterways in search of yesteryear.
The Fish:
In the Midwest, a steelhead is reportedly a migratory rainbow trout (salmo gardinerii) spending the majority of its life in the big water and spawning in tributary streams. They migrate alright, right out of Lake Superior! Since no one has actually seen a real steelhead in the last ten years on the North Shore, their identity (and their existence) is speculative. A century ago, somebody had the bright idea of tossing a bunch of big pacific rainbows into the Great Lakes.
True steelhead have existed in Lake Superior for one hundred years and sustained natural populations in some areas. In the last twenty years a dramatic decline in these “wild” stocks occurred. The reasons for the demise is multi-factorial and the resultant politics spawn vehemence among opposing factions. Depleted natural fish are being supplanted by hybridized and genetically inferior fish, satisfying the needs of few.
The Equipment:
Rods: Extremely overpriced graphite rods in the $400-$600 range are the choice of most serious steelheaders. The exorbitant cost reflects enhanced sensitivity needed to discriminate between a snag and a bite. (Fun Fact: It is impossible to differentiate between a snag and a bite.) These space age rods do however have some advantages. They retard the development of arthritis in the arm and shoulder after a weekend of setting the hook 837 times on rocks, logs, and assorted flotsam (or was it jetsam?).
Vest: Large bulky vests are favored over the shorter Yuppie versions. For sure, a well regarded vest is a battered story book of blood, sweat, and slime. Keep to the following colors: faded brown and faded green. Avoid the following colors: Taupe, Mauve, Buff, and Teal. Vests should be festooned with all matter of dangling paraphernalia. Here are the most important items:
- Scissors: For cutting the gobs of monofilament strewn by other steelhead aficionados. Scissors should not be used to trim your own monofilament - what do you think your teeth are for?
- Hemostat: (Also known as roach holders in some circles) Keep this tool handy in the rare case the unexpected actually occurs: Someone stops by with a remnant “doobie” to help pass the time.
- Flashlight: For enlightenment during the pre-dawn foot race to the “hot spot” where some guy purportedly hooked-up the previous day.
- Nets: Since you’ll never need a net to actually land a fish, they are largely part of the fabled adornment, a symbol of optimism. They are best used to cool off a few beers for the mid-morning break. Two models are popular and each makes its own statement.
- Short handled models - strapped on the back. You know, the kind that catch on brush and jerk you off your feet during the pre-dawn races. These nets repeatedly garrote the proud possessors and the resultant wounds can be used when filing false worker’s compensation, domestic abuse, and personal liability claims.
- Long handled models are preferred, provided they are worn properly. Worn, you say? Yes, these nets must accompany oversized chest waders and should be wedged (handle-first, of course) deep into one of the pant legs. The waders should be fastened with one strap only, allowing the other to dangle provocatively. Not only does this present an envious profile on the river, but personal injury is guaranteed should poor footing cause the angler to take flight.
- Pliers: For popping beer can tabs when your fingers are frozen. Pliers should not be used to crimp lead shot - what do you think your teeth are for?
- Zingers: These are the shock cord, retractable devices pinned to the vest to which some of the aforementioned are attached. They are especially favored by ophthalmologists and orthodontists who repair the injuries incurred when zingers catch, extend, and snap back about the face and head.
The Jargon:
Phrases: The colorful slang and jargon is extremely important to the fabric of the experience. We include phrases and selected definitions. Only rote repetition will eventuate into a smooth and natural delivery of these “must” phrases.
- 1. “Man, the DNR’s really got this whole thing all screwed up!”
- 2. “This taconite spill should bring up the river and trigger a push of fresh fish!”
- 3. “This river was tits in the sixties!”
- 4. “Pink yarn and Dr. Juice...is the answer!”
- 5. “I hit and rolled two - never saw ‘em.”
- 6. “I guess they really kicked ass here last week.”
- 7. “It’s just great to be out here . . . don’t you think?”
- 8. “Never touched a fish all day.”
Terms: Here are some colloquial gems that exude experience and authority.
- 1. Fudgie: n. Any of a species of blaze-orange clad, trash-wielding locals, normally seen walking the river’s edge in search of active spawning beds.
- 2. Goik: v. Also foul or snag. The most common technique used for hooking steelhead and salmon.
- 3. Rip: v. A fast upward thrust of the fly rod so as to set the hook. Also, a term describing the most common reaction when feeling your line move across a fish.
- 4. Duluth Steelheader: n. Any of a species of surly and snobbish anglers generally found on Wisconsin and Michigan rivers. They often exhibit pack-like behavior both on and off the river. Do not be concerned with encountering this species on the North Shore (not part of their current range).
Where to go: See Duluth Steelheader.
Alternate activities:
Steelheading offers an excellent opportunity to discover and experience new activities. When the boredom of the sport finally sets in, you might as well enjoy other, more exciting hobbies. Along with your fishing equipment, don’t forget:
- Identification and Guide Books
- Wild birds
- Wild plants & shrubs
- Rocks & Minerals
- Yuppie Garment Guide
- Binoculars or spotting scope
- Playing cards and poker chips
- Basket weaving kit
- Knitting materials
- The “Count the Cars” game
- The “Count the Telephone poles” game
- “Handicap Parking Sign” do-it-yourself kit
Epilogue
To paraphrase from the great land ethic philosopher Aldo Leopold,
“. . . There exists perhaps no greater futility in this world than the pursuit of steelhead in the 1990’s. Those looking to fully appreciate the true essence of boredom will surely embrace this ignoble endeavor with all deliberate speed.”
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